There was a year – I was 26 – when I wanted sex constantly. I initiated every night. I thought about it during meetings. I felt like my body was a radio tuned to a single frequency and the volume was stuck on high. Then there was a year – I was 31 – when I wanted nothing. Not my partner. Not myself. Not anyone. The thought of being touched made my skin crawl. I thought the first year was normal and the second year was broken. Neither was true. Both were points on the same spectrum. A spectrum nobody taught me existed.
Desire is not a fixed point
We talk about libido like it’s a setting – high, medium, low – as if you’re born with a particular sex drive and it stays that way forever. That’s not how it works. Desire fluctuates. It responds to stress, hormones, medication, relationship dynamics, age, and a hundred other variables you can’t always see. The person who wanted sex every day at 25 might want it once a month at 35. The person who thought they were asexual at 20 might discover desire at 40. These are not transformations. They’re fluctuations. Normal, healthy, human fluctuations. The problem isn’t the change. It’s the story we tell ourselves about the change – that it means something is wrong, that it’s permanent, that we’re broken. You’re not broken. You’re on a spectrum. Everyone is.
Learning to ride the wave
I stopped trying to be at a consistent level of desire – because consistent desire is a myth. Instead I learned to notice where I was on any given day and adjust accordingly. High desire day: initiate, enjoy, celebrate. Low desire day: communicate, don’t force it, find other forms of intimacy. The relief of not having to perform consistent desire was immense. Desire comes and goes like weather. You don’t get angry at yourself for not being sunny every day. Don’t get angry at yourself for not being horny every day. The weather changes. So does desire. Learn to dress for it.
Whether you want sex never, sometimes, or all the time – you’re on the spectrum. Not above it. Not below it. On it. Exactly where you’re supposed to be.
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