Dear 20-year-old me. You don’t know this yet, but everything you’ve been taught about sex is incomplete. You were taught about danger but not about pleasure. You were taught to protect yourself but not to know yourself. You were taught that good girls don’t — and you’ve been paying for that silence ever since. Here are the things I wish someone had told me. Not the textbook version. The real one. From a woman who spent a decade figuring it out.
On bodies
Your body is not a problem to be solved. It’s a home to be inhabited. Stop trying to shrink it. Start trying to feel at home in it. The things you hate about your body now — the soft stomach, the wide hips, the stretch marks from growth spurts — someone will worship those one day. But first you have to stop hating them yourself.
The orgasm gap is real and it’s not your fault. But you have to learn what your body likes — on your own, at your own pace — because no one’s going to figure it out for you. Masturbation is not dirty. It’s research. Do your homework.
Pain during sex is not normal. It’s not because you’re not relaxed enough. It’s not because you haven’t had enough wine. If it hurts consistently, see a doctor. A different doctor. Keep seeing doctors until one takes you seriously.
On desire
Wanting things is not shameful. Whatever you’re curious about — it’s probably more common than you think. You are not broken. You are not a freak. You are a human with a complex inner life. That’s not pathology. That’s being alive.
Desire fluctuates. You will go through seasons where you want sex constantly and seasons where you want none at all. Both are normal. Don’t panic. Your fantasies are not instructions. They’re information. Listen to what they’re telling you about what you need — emotionally, not just physically.
It’s okay to want things and not act on them. Fantasy has value on its own. It’s okay to want things and then change your mind halfway through. Consent is ongoing, not a one-time checkbox. You can say stop at any moment. That’s not failure. That’s agency.
On partners
Someone who shames what you want is showing you who they are. Believe them. The right partner doesn’t have to share all your desires. But they have to make you feel safe having them.
Sexual incompatibility is a real reason to leave. You don’t have to justify it. If sex matters to you — it matters. Full stop.
Love and desire are different things. You can love someone deeply and not want to sleep with them. That doesn’t make you shallow. That makes you honest. And the best relationships have both: love in the living room, desire in the bedroom. Don’t settle for one without the other.
On healing
If you have trauma in your history, it will show up in your sex life. Not as punishment. As information. Get a therapist. A good one. Specifically one who understands the intersection of sexuality and trauma. Healing is not about forgetting. It’s about learning to feel safe in your own body again. That takes time. You deserve that time.
The most important thing
You are allowed to take up space. In bed. In relationships. In your own life. You are allowed to want things. To ask for things. To say no. To change your mind. To be learning. To be imperfect. To be present. To be fully, unapologetically yourself — in the bedroom and everywhere else. That’s not too much. That’s exactly enough.
Love, your 30-year-old self.
This is the 100th post on Noir Rouge. Thank you for reading. Thank you for being here. We’re just getting started.
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